-Scene One-
[Opens up to a corner room, a quad on the second floor facing out over the patio of the Fickes dormitory. Trees obscure most of the view but a white spire of a chapel is visible through the windows. Seated on the floor are the room’s occupants playing a game of Apples to Apples.
First is the level headed and sage-like Allaire. Allaire is carefully debating over her cards. Her roommate, the bubbly and girlish Amanda, is tapping her long nails on the floor as she waits for Allaire to make her selection. Seated with them is the animated Maria. Maria is shuffling through her cards, pulling one out excitedly, looking down at Amanda’s card, shaking her head and putting it back in her pile before shuffling again. Amanda blows out a frustrated sigh.]
Amanda: (snappish) Come on, pick faster. I have to be in Calculus in fifteen minutes.
Maria: (shuffling and selecting a red card uncertainly) I don’t know…
Allaire: What’s the word again?
Amanda: Luxurious: lavish, lush, opulent, or sumptuous.
Allaire: (distracted) Okay… (She selects a red card and lays it face down in front of Amanda.)
Maria: (worried whimper) I don’t know but…(puts a card face down on top of Allaire’s red card) Here you go.
Amanda: (sotto voice) Finally! (picks up the cards and reads, her face twisting into a scowl) James Bond and mud. Seriously!
Allaire: James Bond wears a tuxedo, that’s lavish.
Maria: Yeah, well… mud is used at spas!
Amanda: (still disappointed) SERIOUSLY? That’s the best you have?!
Maria: (reluctant) I did have diamonds but I thought…
Amanda: Agh! You should have gone with diamonds!
Allaire: Too late.
Amanda: Fine, James Bond. (throws the green card to Allaire)
Maria: (picks up a green card and reads aloud) Patriotic: loyal, nationalistic, devoted.
[Both Allaire and Amanda slap red cards face down in front of Maria so quickly she jumps in surprise. The roommates look at each other grinning and giggling.]
Maria: (smiling excitedly) This should be funny! (picks up the cards and immediately frowns) Liberals and the Right Wing. Seriously?
Amanda: Hey! What’s wrong with Republicans!?
Allaire: (grumpy) What’s wrong with Democrats, huh?
Amanda: (rolling her eyes) Where do I start with those socialists?
Maria: Now that’s not true…
[Maria is interrupted by the dorm room door flying open. The overly dramatic and terrified Melissa stumbles in, wheezing. She looks wildly about the room then runs for Allaire’s closet]
Melissa: SHE’S GONNA KILL ME!
[Everyone blinks as Melissa slams and locks the door to the closet. As one they turn back to their game.]
Allaire: (continues like nothing happened) Democrats are not socialists.
Amanda: You say ‘Democrat’ but I say ‘Communist’.
Maria: (shaking her head) I can’t decide. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Democrats.
Allaire: (grabs the green card victoriously) HA!
Amanda: Whatever…
[The door to the room is thrown open once more and a murderous eyed Sam charges in. Gripped in her left hand is a glass bottle. Her eyes go around the room, her teeth gritted.]
Sam: (hissing) Where is she?!
[Amanda and Maria point to the closet immediately without looking up]
Allaire: (observes Sam for a moment) That’s some Jeffery Dahmer shit right there.
Sam: I’m going to kill her this time. I actually mean it!
Allaire: (picking up a green card nonchalantly) Scary. (pauses) ‘Sam with a glass bottle’ for the win.
[Amanda and Maria laugh while Sam stomps over to the closet and pounds on the door]
Sam: I can hear you breathing!
Melissa: (in terrible Spanish accent, panicking) No, no Mr. Superman not home? No habla English? Housekeeping?
Sam: You have only yourself to blame, Melissa!
Melissa: (dropping the terrible accent) Ninja’s are assholes! You can’t kill me for the truth!
Sam: (punches the door) I can kill you for whatever I want to! I’m the goddamn Batman!
[Sam turns and studies the other girls before walking over to them and sitting down, setting the glass bottle in arm’s reach. She appears frighteningly calm now]
Sam: Mind if I join?
Allaire: (covertly moving the glass bottle out of Sam’s reach) Sure. (Allaire picks up the red cards Maria and Amanda have set out) Cockroaches and blank.
Maria: Sam with a glass bottle.
Allaire: (chuckles) Ah, yes. Sam with a glass bottle wins.
Amanda: What about Sam with a glass bottle full of cockroaches?
Sam: (deadpan) Terrifying. (picks up a green card) Doomed. Melissa for the win.
Amanda: (laughing in disbelief) You’re kidding, right? There’s no ‘doomed’ card.
Sam: (shows Amanda) No, it’s a blank one but I feel it’s appropriate, given the situation.
Allaire: What exactly did Melissa do this time?
Maria: (giggles) What hasn’t she done to piss off Sam?
[Everyone stops to ponder for a moment but they are unable to answer Maria]
Allaire: Touché. Well, I guess it’s time to discuss who gets Melissa’s things.
Amanda: Dibs on her Gackt DVDs!
Maria: I want that 10 bucks she owes me.
Allaire: (huffing) I guess that leaves me her movie collection.
Sam: I want first pick on her DVDs as service fees for exterminating her.
Maria: ‘Eviscerating’ would be a more appropriate word, I think.
Amanda: ‘Annihilate’.
Allaire: ‘Eradicate’.
Melissa: (from the closet) I can still hear you!
Sam: (grabbing a shoe sitting on the floor near Allaire’s bed and chucks it at the closet) Shut up. You don’t have an opinion until I beat it out of you.
Melissa: (meekly) Okay.
Amanda: (whines playfully) Aww Sam. Beat her anyways!
Melissa: Hey!
Allaire, Amanda, and Sam: SHUT UP MELISSA!
[There’s a terrible sound of crashing and a loud moan from the closet. Everyone turns to look at the still rattling door, waiting. A tense minute passes.]
Melissa: I’m okay!
Allaire: I’m more worried about my stuff! Is anything broken?
Melissa: Well, my finger is looking a little swollen but I don’t think really Gubler’d it.
Allaire: No, I meant anything in the closet, not you.
Melissa: Oh…umm…..
Allaire: (bounding to her feet and running to the closet door) MELISSA?!
Melissa: I mean some glue I’m sure will fix it. This is your iron, right?
Allaire: (relieved) No. It’s Rai’s.
Maria: (changing the subject) Hey, how’s Sarai doing? I haven’t heard from her in a month.
Amanda: We haven’t seen her in two weeks.
Maria: Aren’t you worried?
Amanda: Nope.
Maria: Huh.
[They return to their game]
Sam: (reading out loud) Doomed. The Leftist, Graverobbers, and Strawberry Shortcake.
Melissa: Oh! I could go for some shortcake!
All: NO!
Melissa: Aww man.
Sam: Graverobbers.
Amanda: Yes! Okay, that’s it for me. I’ll see you in an hour.
Allaire: We’ll be here. (pausing) Well, Melissa might not be with us anymore.
Amanda: (flatly) Mmm, pity. Well! I’m off.
[Amanda leaves.]
Maria: (looking at her watch) Hey, I need to meet with Kerri in the theater. Is it okay if I stop by later?
Allaire: Oh yeah, not a problem.
Maria: Cool! See you later Allaire! Bye Sam!
[Sam salutes Maria then starts putting the board game away. Maria leaves.]
Allaire: Alright, give me the rundown. What did Melissa do?
Sam: Well, I was watching ‘Ninja Assassin’ and Melissa came back to the room and started bitching about how Rain is an asshole for letting the chick get stabbed before he went all Jedi on his sensei.
Allaire: (shaking her head) You two fight every time you watch that movie. I think you two should just stop watching it together.
Sam: I try to watch it alone but then she shows up and starts talking. She always talks. She even talks in her sleep!
Allaire: (exasperated) I know. Melissa was born without an off switch.
Sam: I intend to remodel Melissa’s face and give her one.
Allaire: (ponders the possibilities) Tempting….
Melissa: (from the closet) Allaire! You’re supposed to be mediating a peaceful surrender, not getting me killed! By the way, do any of you have ice?
Allaire: What do you need ice for?
Melissa: I think I did Gubler my finger after all.
Sam: (going to Allaire’s frig and pulling out an icepack) That too! She’s always talking about the Gube. It’s ‘Gubler this’ and ‘Gube that’, like a fucking stalker.
Allaire: (taking the icepack from Sam and slipping it under the closet door) She is a stalker.
Sam: Well…yeah.
Melissa: (from closet) I really am.
Allaire: (knocks on the closet door) Are you done in there yet?
Melissa: Does Sam still have a murderous look in her eye and an empty bottle?
Allaire: Mmm…. Well Sam doesn’t have the bottle anymore….
Melissa: What about the murderous look?
[Dead silence]
Melissa: Right, I’m not coming out.
Allaire: (in a demonic voice) Get out of my closet, Melissa.
[The door to the closet bursts open and Melissa tumbles out, pulling dust bunnies from her tangled red hair and kicking a plastic bag that’s tangled around her sneaker. She trips and falls flat on her face. Sam and Allaire make no move to help her.]
Melissa: I’m okay!
Sam: (deadpan) Yeah, I wasn’t actually concerned.
Melissa: Oh. Cheers then. (She tries to stand up but trips and falls again)
Sam: (trying not to laugh) I’m gonna go now.
Allaire: (exasperated) I think it’s for the best, Sam.
[Sam leaves]
-End scene one-
No comments:
Post a Comment